CARRYING LOSS

Grief does not care how much time has passed. It does not matter if it has been 21 years, 12 months, 2 days, 12 hours, or 2 minutes — grief is grief. It is a pain that does not follow a calendar. It does not check the date, look at the clock, or ask permission before showing up. It can sit quietly in the background for months or years and then suddenly crash into you out of nowhere. I was reminded of that myself this weekend. A song. A smell. A place. A memory. And there it was. Grief.

Grief hurts emotionally, physically, and mentally. It does not just live in your thoughts or your memories. It can settle into your body. It can physically weigh on your chest, making it feel like the air has been knocked out of you. It can drain your energy, cloud your mind, and make even the simplest things feel exhausting. Grief can feel like it hits you in the middle of a completely normal day, yup, even when you are laughing, celebrating, or having a genuine moment of joy. And then, suddenly, it shows up. It can take away every ounce of your ability to focus. It can leave you sitting there wondering what just happened, and sometimes, honestly, it feels confusing. But that is the thing about grief, it does not follow a schedule. It does not only show up on the hard days. It can show up in the middle of happiness, in moments when you least expect it. Please remember, that does not mean you are not healing, it means you loved, it means someone or something mattered so deeply to you.

One thing I wish more people talked about is the secondary losses that come with grief, because grief is not just about the person. You may lose the future you imagined. You may lose traditions and routines. You may lose the comfort of knowing someone would always be there. You may lose the version of yourself that existed before the loss. You may lose your sense of safety, stability, or confidence. You may question things you never questioned before. Your faith may feel different. Your view of the world may change. You may grieve the milestones that happen without the person you wish was there to see them. Or the millions of simple moments where you think, “I wish I could call them and tell them this.”

Those secondary losses can hurt just as much because they remind you of what has changed. Actually, let me say that differently: Those secondary losses ARE just as painful. Because you are not only grieving what happened, you are grieving everything that changed because of what happened. Some days, you may feel like you are moving forward. Other days, it feels like you are starting all over again. Some people may cry openly. Some people may get quiet. Some people stay busy because slowing down feels impossible and too risky, because that allows their minds to wander. Some people feel anger, guilt, numbness, exhaustion, or even moments of happiness that they feel guilty for experiencing.

Grief is messy. But remember this, you can move forward and still carry the loss with you and that does not mean it mattered less. It means learning how to carry something that changed you forever while finding a way to keep living and moving forward with purpose. If you have ever worked with me — especially for grief support — you have probably heard me, say that at least 100 times. Grief is about learning how to carry something that changed you forever, and that is something we continue to learn, one moment at a time.

Carry On,

Julie